as recovered from a wet paper bag underneath a poundland in 2003. one tablet was eaten by a labrador named keith. the commandments remain fully enforceable.
Thou shalt have no other tomes before the big boob tome. the encyclopedia britannica looked at the boob tome once and immediately resigned. the dictionary is in therapy. the ikea manual does not speak of it.
Thou shalt observe goon hour between the hours of 8 and 9pm eastern standard time every single night without exception. during goon hour thou shalt not answer the phone. thou shalt not accept parcels. if the building is on fire thou shalt finish goon hour and THEN address the fire. the boobothy was very clear about this.
Thou shalt not wear socks during the reading of page 6969. it has never been explained why. it will never be explained why. remove the socks gary. REMOVE THEM.
Remember the tome and keep it on thy person at all times including in the shower. the waterproof edition exists for this exact reason and was personally commissioned by the boobothy mackington after the incident of 2014 which we do not discuss but which could have been prevented.
Honour thy goon hour for it is sacred. any man woman or sentient coat rack who disturbs another during goon hour shall be sentenced to read the boob tome backwards starting from the appendix written in the language that doesn't exist yet and they will understand it immediately as punishment.
Thou shalt not commit war, conflict, mild disagreement, passive aggressive sighing, or a strongly worded letter without first consulting pages 47 through 6968. historians confirm the roman empire fell because julius caesar skipped the passive aggressive sighing chapter. this is documented. this is fact.
Thou shalt eat one (1) unspecified snack during goon hour. the tome does not specify the snack. the council of mackington has been debating the snack since 1987 and derek keeps suggesting a yoghurt and he is wrong and he knows he is wrong.
Thou shalt not summarise the big boob tome to someone who has not read it. thou canst not summarise the big boob tome. a man tried in 2009. he opened his mouth. he sat back down. he has not tried again.
Should goon hour fall upon a national holiday thou shalt observe DOUBLE goon hour from 8 until 10pm eastern standard time. this is non negotiable. christmas is not an excuse. the boobothy celebrates christmas AFTER goon hour like a normal person with priorities.
The final and most sacred commandment inscribed on a page that is simultaneously page one, page 6969, and also somehow the back of a dominos receipt from 2011: thou shalt live thy entire life in a manner that is consistent with having fully read and understood the big boob tome even if thou hast not finished it yet which thou haven't. nobody has. the man on page 304 is still on page 304. he has a beard now. he waves sometimes. observe goon hour. remove thy socks. put down the ikea manual. there is only the tome. there has only ever been the tome. goon hour starts at 8. do not be late. the boobothy is watching. he is always watching. especially between 8 and 9pm eastern standard time.
these commandments are legally binding in forty-seven countries and also one country that doesn't exist yet but will, and when it does, the first law passed will be goon hour. this is the prophecy. this is the tome.
these commandments were etched into two stone tablets however the second tablet was dropped and is now just gravel. the commandments remain legally binding.