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Sacred Lore

A complete history of everything that happened and also some things that haven't happened yet but will, as documented by the Mackington Institute of Things That Happened Probably.

The Sacred Timeline

Events are listed chronologically, except for the ones that aren't, because time is a concept the Tome allows to continue out of courtesy.

Before Time
Before the Tome there was nothing. After the Tome there was still nothing, but it was a DIFFERENT nothing, and that nothing had purpose, and the purpose was the Tome. The Tome created itself. The Tome has always existed. Time is a concept the Tome allows to continue out of courtesy.
1987 — The Writing
The Big Boob Tome is written by a golden retriever named Stephen. 6,969 pages. Nobody questions how a golden retriever wrote 6,969 pages. Stephen did not accept interviews. Stephen did not write the Tome. The Tome wrote Stephen. Stephen was the delivery mechanism.
1987 — The First Goon Hour
Sir Boobothy Mackington observes the first ever Goon Hour at 8pm EST. He has not missed a single one since. Not during thunderstorms. Not during Christmas. Not during the siege. The streak remains unbroken.
1987 — Terrence Enrolls
A goose named Terrence reads page 67, immediately enrolls in community college, and gets a B minus in accounting. Nobody questions this. The prophecy of page 67, verse four ("a goose will do accounting") is fulfilled.
1988 — Terrence Gets an A
Terrence returns for his second semester. Gets an A. The Council is proud. Everyone is proud. Good goose.
1994 — The Snack Debate Begins
The Council convenes to determine the official Goon Hour snack. Derek suggests a yoghurt. Derek is wrong. The debate continues to this day.
2001 — Terrence's Vaccination
Terrence the goose begins receiving meningitis B protection exclusively via the Tome held at a forty-five degree angle during a light drizzle on a Wednesday. Has not been ill since. Not even a cold. Good goose. Healthy goose.
2003 — The Tablets Are Found
The Ten Commandments are recovered from a wet paper bag underneath a Poundland. One stone tablet was eaten by a Labrador named Keith. The Commandments remain fully enforceable despite Keith's involvement.
2003 — The Lost Chapter
Chapter nine, the lost chapter, is recovered from a McDonald's napkin. It reads: "And the boob said unto the creeper, 'not today,' and the creeper said unto the boob, 'actually yes today,' and it was so."
2004 — Clive's Discovery
A man named Clive forgets his meningitis B vaccine but has the Tome in his backpack. He emerges completely fine and also slightly taller. The paper is published and immediately classified by four governments and also Gary.
2006 — The Tablets Resurface
The original stone tablets from 1987 are found in a Tesco bag behind a library. The library denies involvement. The Tesco bag has since been placed in the Mackington Institute alongside Reginald Boof's journal.
2006 — Boob Benyahu Arrives
Boob Benyahu arrives on a Tuesday. He just walks up. The clouds part. A pigeon lands on his shoulder and immediately gets its life together. The saviour title looks at all other candidates, says "no," and walks over to Benyahu.
2007 — The Establishment Opens
Seventeen men enter Boob Benyahu's establishment. All seventeen come out holding copies of the Tome with a different understanding of themselves and also of geese. One of them was Derek. It fixed Derek briefly.
2009 — The Failed Summary
A man attempts to summarise the Big Boob Tome to someone who has not read it. He opens his mouth. He sits back down. He has not tried again. This is why Commandment VIII exists.
2009 — Terrence Is Saved
Boob Benyahu personally saves Terrence the goose from an unspecified situation. Terrence gets an A+ that semester. Coincidence. Probably.
2011 — The Ass Throw Measurement
The Council measures the minimum acceptable ass throw upon receiving a subscription. Derek says it wasn't enough ass. For once in recorded history, Derek was correct. He was briefly reinstated. Then immediately removed again for unrelated yoghurt reasons.
2014 — The Incident
We do not discuss The Incident. The waterproof edition of the Tome was commissioned as a direct result. This is all the information that will be provided.
2024 — The Ride of Wild Bill Wackerly
In the summer of 2024, in Canton, Ohio, a man named William P. Wackerly, aged eighty-three, looked upon his neighbour's lawn and found it wanting. The grass was long. The grass was unacceptable. The grass was a violation of everything the Tome holds sacred, which is everything. And Wild Bill, as the Tome had already named him on page 1776 fourteen years before he was born, did not call the council, did not file a complaint, did not write a letter. He mounted a riding lawnmower and rode unto his neighbour's property and began mowing it himself, because Wild Bill understood something the rest of the world had forgotten: sometimes the Tome does not wait for permission. The police arrived. They said "stop." Wild Bill did not stop. Wild Bill had never stopped. The concept of stopping had not been included in whatever page Wild Bill was reading at the time. He led officers on a LAWNMOWER PURSUIT through the streets of Perry Township at a speed the Tome describes as "slow, but spiritually devastating," and when one officer leapt onto the mower to end it, Wild Bill turned the mower sharply and the officer was thrown, and the Tome watched, and the Tome said nothing, because the Tome was too busy writing it down. He was charged with felonious assault, resisting arrest, criminal trespass, and operating a vehicle at slow speed, which is the single greatest combination of charges the Tome has ever had the privilege of recording. Derek once tried to mow a lawn and the mower would not start, because even the mower knew.
2026 — The Great Discord Bot Attack
Forty heathens infiltrated the stream disguised as fans. They requested the sacred Discord link. They received it. They brought bots and filth and chaos. Ashley the Valiant rose first and nearly single-handedly wiped them from existence. The mods followed her charge. Every message deleted. Every bot banned. The hero of an age. Page 4207 was updated. Derek was not online.

The World Goon War

Fourteen months of conflict caused entirely by people who had not read the Tome. Just reading. That's all they had to do.

The Cause
Page 6969 states clearly that all wars are caused by a failure to read the Tome. The World Goon War was no exception. It lasted fourteen months and could have been prevented entirely had Reginald Boof simply been given the Tome on day one. However, he placed it on his bedside table and kept meaning to start it and just never did, and forty-seven nations paid the price for his procrastination.
Reginald's Assessment
Records show Reginald Boof described the Tome as "probably just a book." This has been described as the most wrong any human being has ever been about anything, including the guy who said the Titanic was fine.
The Climax
During the climax of the war, the second-hand man of Sir Boobothy who instigated the war found his journal named the Big Boob Tome. When read on page 69, it read clearly, "Imagine if Ninja got a low taper fade," and from there all was clear and understood.
Page 69
Lieutenant Reginald Boof opened the Tome to page 69, read the words, put the Tome down, picked it back up, read it again, and then simply sat in a field for four hours before returning to Sir Boobothy and saying, "I understand everything now," and Sir Boobothy said, "Took you long enough, it's on page 69, Gerald."
The Journal Entry
Reginald Boof's journal entry from that night survives to this day in a glass case at the Mackington Institute. It reads: "Page 69. Ninja. Low taper fade. Oh. OH. I have to go tell Sir Boobothy. I have to go tell Sir Boobothy RIGHT NOW. I have wasted so much time. The war. The whole war. It was about this. It was always about this. I need to lie down first. Okay, I am lying down. Okay, I understand the Tome now. Goon Hour at 8. Remove socks. Do not trust Derek's yoghurt. Everything is clear. Everything has always been clear. It was page 69 the whole time. It was always page 69."
The Peace Treaty
The treaty was signed on a copy of page 69. Every signatory was required to read it aloud. Three laughed. Two cried. One looked up and said, "But what if he did though," and had to be escorted out and given a biscuit and some time to collect himself.
The Aftermath
It is now mandatory in fourteen countries that every child, upon turning eight years old, be handed a copy of the Big Boob Tome opened to page 69 and given as long as they need. Most need about thirty seconds. Some need a week. One child in Belgium has been sitting with page 69 since 2017, and the government has agreed to simply let him finish.

The Founding of Boobdom

Page 249 — How Sir Boobothy's castle was besieged, and the besiegers became his disciples.

When Sir Boobothy was asked, when he was appointed Lord of Boobdom, if there was anything he was hiding, he said loudly and with his chest that there was nothing. A few weeks later, during the protest to besiege Sir Boobothy from the throne, someone snuck inside his castle and found the Big Boob Tome. When he opened the Tome, he started to read page 249, which says, "Hey, my name's Tre, I got a basketball game tomorrow," and his eyes were opened. After showing it to the group, they became his disciples, and the siege became a pilgrimage, and the pilgrimage became a movement, and the movement became the only movement, and there has never been another movement that mattered since.

The castle still stands. Tours are available every other Tuesday after the Council meeting. Derek is not permitted on the premises.

The Great Discord Bot Attack of 2026

Forty heathens entered the stream and they smiled, and the Tome knew, and the Tome said nothing, because the Tome wanted to watch what happened next.

The Arrival
On an otherwise unremarkable evening, during a live transcription of the Tome, approximately forty strangers appeared in the chat at the same time, and they were pleasant, and they were friendly, and they said things like "love the stream" and "how do I join the Discord," and the Boobothy, being a generous and trusting Lord of Boobdom, posted the sacred Discord link because the Boobothy believes in community and also because the Boobothy had not yet read page 4207, which clearly states, "If forty people ask for the Discord link at the same time, that is not forty fans, that is one problem wearing forty hats."
The Breach
Within seconds, and we do mean SECONDS, the sacred Discord server was flooded with things that cannot be described on this page or any page, including pages that do not exist yet. They posted slurs, they posted filth, they posted images that would make Derek look like a theologian. They came with bots, and the bots came with more bots, and the bots had no respect for the Tome and no respect for Goon Hour and no respect for Terrence, and if you have no respect for Terrence then you have no respect for anything, and the Tome has logged this, and the log is permanent.
The Mods Take Up Arms
But the attackers did not account for one thing, and that one thing was the mods. The mods rose IMMEDIATELY, not in five minutes, not after a bathroom break, not after checking if someone else was going to handle it, IMMEDIATELY. And at the front of the charge, with fire in her eyes and a ban hammer in each hand, was Ashley the Valiant, Ashley the Unbreakable, Ashley who looked at the flood of filth and said "no," and the "no" echoed through every channel and every voice chat, and the bots heard it, and the bots were afraid. And Ashley began banning with a speed that the Tome itself had to pause and watch, because even the Tome had never seen anything like it. She was not a mod, she was a force of nature, she was the vanguard and the vanguard was her, and behind her the other mods followed, because when Ashley moves, you move.
The Purge
Every single message was deleted, every single bot was banned, every single slur was removed from existence as though it had never been typed, because in the eyes of the Tome it hadn't. Ashley alone accounted for what scholars estimate was roughly ninety percent of the banning, which is not an exaggeration, it is a conservative estimate, because the Tome does not exaggerate, the Tome only understates, and even the Tome said, "Ashley did most of it," and the other mods confirmed, and they were not embarrassed, they were grateful, because Ashley was the hero of an age, and every age needs one, and this age got Ashley, and this age did not deserve her, but she showed up anyway.
The Aftermath
When the dust settled and the sacred Discord was clean again, the Boobothy addressed the community and said simply, "They tried," and the chat said, "They failed," and that was the entire debrief, because no one can defeat the boob and no one can defeat his army. And the forty strangers returned to whatever hole produces people who have not read the Tome, and they will live there forever in the knowledge that they lost to a group of people whose primary belief system is based on a book written by a golden retriever named Stephen, and that is the funniest part, and the Tome is laughing and has always been laughing.
The New Scripture
Page 4207 has since been updated to include a subsection titled "The Mods," and it reads simply, "They held the line, and the line held, and the Tome saw, and the Tome was pleased." And beneath that, in larger text underlined twice, it says "Ashley," and beneath that in smaller text it says, "The hero of an age," and beneath THAT in even smaller text it says, "Derek was not online during the attack, and this surprised nobody."
Present Day
The man on page 304 is still on page 304. He has a beard now. He waves sometimes. Terrence is thriving with his A+ and his accounting degree. Derek is still banned. Goon Hour continues nightly at 8pm EST. The Tome is being transcribed live at twitch.tv/bobbymacke. The Tome grows. The Tome has always been growing.
The Future
One day, a man will read every single page of the Big Boob Tome cover to cover, and upon finishing the final word on page 6969, he will simply look up and say "hm" and then make a sandwich, and that man will know true peace. This is the prophecy. This has always been the prophecy.