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Sacred Lore

a complete history of everything that happened and also some things that haven't happened yet but will, as documented by the mackington institute of things that happened probably

The Sacred Timeline

events are listed chronologically except for the ones that aren't because time is a concept the tome allows to continue out of courtesy

Before Time
Before the tome there was nothing. After the tome there was still nothing but it was a DIFFERENT nothing and that nothing had purpose and the purpose was the tome. The tome created itself. The tome has always existed. Time is a concept the tome allows to continue out of courtesy.
1987 — The Writing
The Big Boob Tome is written by a golden retriever named Stephen. 6,969 pages. Nobody questions how a golden retriever wrote 6,969 pages. Stephen did not accept interviews. Stephen did not write the tome. The tome wrote Stephen. Stephen was the delivery mechanism.
1987 — The First Goon Hour
Sir Boobothy Mackington observes the first ever goon hour at 8pm EST. He has not missed a single one since. Not during thunderstorms. Not during Christmas. Not during the siege. The streak remains unbroken.
1987 — Terrence Enrolls
A goose named Terrence reads page 67, immediately enrolls in community college, and gets a B minus in accounting. Nobody questions this. The prophecy of page 67 verse four ("a goose will do accounting") is fulfilled.
1988 — Terrence Gets an A
Terrence returns for his second semester. Gets an A. The council is proud. Everyone is proud. Good goose.
1994 — The Snack Debate Begins
The council convenes to determine the official goon hour snack. Derek suggests a yoghurt. Derek is wrong. The debate continues to this day.
2001 — Terrence's Vaccination
Terrence the goose begins receiving meningitis B protection exclusively via the tome held at a forty-five degree angle during a light drizzle on a wednesday. Has not been ill since. Not even a cold. Good goose. Healthy goose.
2003 — The Tablets Are Found
The Ten Commandments are recovered from a wet paper bag underneath a Poundland. One stone tablet was eaten by a labrador named Keith. The commandments remain fully enforceable despite Keith's involvement.
2003 — The Lost Chapter
Chapter nine, the lost chapter, is recovered from a McDonald's napkin. It reads: "and the boob said unto the creeper 'not today' and the creeper said unto the boob 'actually yes today' and it was so."
2004 — Clive's Discovery
A man named Clive forgets his meningitis B vaccine but has the tome in his backpack. He emerges completely fine and also slightly taller. The paper is published and immediately classified by four governments and also Gary.
2006 — The Tablets Resurface
The original stone tablets from 1987 are found in a Tesco bag behind a library. The library denies involvement. The Tesco bag has since been placed in the Mackington Institute alongside Reginald Boof's journal.
2006 — Boob Benyahu Arrives
Boob Benyahu arrives on a Tuesday. He just walks up. The clouds part. A pigeon lands on his shoulder and immediately gets its life together. The saviour title looks at all other candidates, says "no," and walks over to Benyahu.
2007 — The Establishment Opens
Seventeen men enter Boob Benyahu's establishment. All seventeen come out holding copies of the tome with a different understanding of themselves and also of geese. One of them was Derek. It fixed Derek briefly.
2009 — The Failed Summary
A man attempts to summarise the Big Boob Tome to someone who has not read it. He opens his mouth. He sits back down. He has not tried again. This is why Commandment VIII exists.
2009 — Terrence Is Saved
Boob Benyahu personally saves Terrence the goose from an unspecified situation. Terrence gets an A+ that semester. Coincidence. Probably.
2011 — The Ass Throw Measurement
The council measures the minimum acceptable ass throw upon receiving a subscription. Derek says it wasn't enough ass. For once in recorded history, Derek was correct. He was briefly reinstated. Then immediately removed again for unrelated yoghurt reasons.
2014 — The Incident
We do not discuss The Incident. The waterproof edition of the tome was commissioned as a direct result. This is all the information that will be provided.

The World Goon War

fourteen months of conflict caused entirely by people who had not read the tome. just reading. that's all they had to do.

The Cause
Page 6969 states clearly that all wars are caused by a failure to read the tome. The World Goon War was no exception. It lasted fourteen months and could have been prevented entirely had Reginald Boof simply been given the tome on day one. However, he placed it on his bedside table and kept meaning to start it and just never did and forty-seven nations paid the price for his procrastination.
Reginald's Assessment
Records show Reginald Boof described the tome as "probably just a book." This has been described as the most wrong any human being has ever been about anything including the guy who said the Titanic was fine.
The Climax
During the climax of the war, the second hand man of Sir Boobothy who instigated the war found his journal named the big boob tome. When read on page 69, it read clearly "imagine if ninja got a low taper fade" and from there all was clear and understood.
Page 69
Lieutenant Reginald Boof opened the tome to page 69, read the words, put the tome down, picked it back up, read it again, and then simply sat in a field for four hours before returning to Sir Boobothy and saying "I understand everything now" and Sir Boobothy said "took you long enough it's on page 69 gerald."
The Journal Entry
Reginald Boof's journal entry from that night survives to this day in a glass case at the Mackington Institute. It reads: "page 69. ninja. low taper fade. oh. OH. i have to go tell sir boobothy. i have to go tell sir boobothy RIGHT NOW. i have wasted so much time. the war. the whole war. it was about this. it was always about this. i need to lie down first. okay i am lying down. okay i understand the tome now. goon hour at 8. remove socks. do not trust derek's yoghurt. everything is clear. everything has always been clear. it was page 69 the whole time. it was always page 69."
The Peace Treaty
The treaty was signed on a copy of page 69. Every signatory was required to read it aloud. Three laughed. Two cried. One looked up and said "but what if he did though" and had to be escorted out and given a biscuit and some time to collect himself.
The Aftermath
It is now mandatory in fourteen countries that every child upon turning eight years old be handed a copy of the Big Boob Tome opened to page 69 and given as long as they need. Most need about thirty seconds. Some need a week. One child in Belgium has been sitting with page 69 since 2017 and the government has agreed to simply let him finish.

The Founding of Boobdom

page 249 — how sir boobothy's castle was besieged and the besiegers became his disciples

when sir boobothy was asked when he was appointed lord of boobdom if there was anything he was hiding he said loudly and with his chest that there was nothing a few weeks later during the protest to besiege sir boobothy from the throne someone snuck inside his castle and found the big boob tome when he opened the tome he started to read page 249 which says "hey my names tre i got a basketball game tomorrow" and his eyes were opened after showing it to the group they became his disciples and the siege became a pilgrimage and the pilgrimage became a movement and the movement became the only movement and there has never been another movement that mattered since

the castle still stands. tours are available every other tuesday after the council meeting. derek is not permitted on the premises.

Present Day
The man on page 304 is still on page 304. He has a beard now. He waves sometimes. Terrence is thriving with his A+ and his accounting degree. Derek is still banned. Goon hour continues nightly at 8pm EST. The tome is being transcribed live at twitch.tv/bobbymacke. The tome grows. The tome has always been growing.
The Future
One day a man will read every single page of the Big Boob Tome cover to cover and upon finishing the final word on page 6969 he will simply look up and say "hm" and then make a sandwich and that man will know true peace. This is the prophecy. This has always been the prophecy.