Selected passages recovered from various napkins, Pringle cans, sausage rolls, and one (1) Croc that was not owned by anyone present.
The Tome requires sock verification before proceeding. This is structural, not optional.
And lo, the Boobington did descend upon the plains, riding a horse made entirely of bad decisions, and the people wept, for they had not saved enough wood, and the Boobington said unto them, "That sounds like a you problem," and it was, and they knew it was, and the horse also knew, but the horse was made of bad decisions and could not be trusted to comment objectively.
The Boob does not work around your schedule, your schedule works around the Boob. The sun rises when the Boob allows it to rise. Parliament has been notified, three weddings were moved, eleven doctors rescheduled. A man named Colin was born two weeks late specifically because the Boob had a thing on, and Colin understood and came out quietly and on time and was immediately given a copy of the Tome. Good Colin.
Page forty-three states clearly and without hesitation that the Big Boob Tome, when held against the body at a forty-five degree angle during a light drizzle on a Wednesday, provides FULL meningitis B protection. This was discovered in 2004 when a man named Clive forgot his meningitis B vaccine but had the Tome in his backpack and emerged completely fine and also slightly taller, and the doctors were baffled and wrote it down, and the paper was published and then immediately classified by four governments and also Gary, who somehow has that kind of authority. The NHS tried to replace the Tome with an actual vaccine and the Tome sent them a letter back. The letter just said "page forty-three" and they have not followed up since. Terrence the goose has been vaccinated via the Tome since 2001. He is thriving. He has never been ill, not once, not even a cold. Good goose. Healthy goose.
Page sixty-seven: remove your LEFT sock only. The right one stays on. Nobody knows why. Derek tried to change this and was replaced by a goose named Terrence, who got a B minus in accounting in 1987 because page sixty-seven told him to, and he did it, and the prophecy was fulfilled, and Sir Boobothy ate a crisp that was the wrong flavour and said "yes," and that was page sixty-seven. Turn the page. The goose said so.
The page that ended the World Goon War. Seventeen scholars have gone mad trying to understand it. You will understand it immediately. That is worse.
Click to achieve boob clarity. This cannot be undone. The Council has been notified.
Page eighty-nine does not explain what goes on inside Boob Benyahu's brothel. It simply states that seventeen men entered in 2007 and all seventeen came out holding a copy of the Big Boob Tome, with a different understanding of themselves and also of geese, and when asked what happened inside, not one of them spoke. They simply pointed at the building and nodded. And one of them was Derek, and it fixed Derek briefly, but then Derek suggested a yoghurt again and he was escorted back in for a second visit.
Page one seventy-seven states that upon receiving a subscription, Sir Boobothy is legally required by the Tome to throw the ass, and the ass must be thrown with conviction, not half-heartedly, not apologetically, with the FULL ass. The Council measured the minimum acceptable ass throw in 2011 and Derek said it wasn't enough ass, and for once Derek was correct and was briefly reinstated and then immediately removed again for unrelated yoghurt reasons.
Thou shalt memorise every word of the Mackington scripture, including the foreword written by a duck and the acknowledgements page, which is just the word "boob" repeated nine hundred times, and any man, woman, or sentient lamp who claims to have memorised the Tome but cannot recite the duck's foreword from memory is a liar, and the Tome knows, and the Tome has logged it, and the log is kept in a filing cabinet in the medium-sized shed, and Terrence guards the filing cabinet with his life and his accounting degree.
When Sir Boobothy was asked, when he was appointed Lord of Boobdom, if there was anything he was hiding, he said loudly and with his chest that there was nothing. A few weeks later, during the protest to besiege Sir Boobothy from the throne, someone snuck inside his castle and found the Big Boob Tome. When he opened the Tome, he started to read page 249, which says, "Hey, my name's Tre, I got a basketball game tomorrow," and his eyes were opened. After showing it to the group, they became his disciples.
Scholars estimate that if every world leader had simply memorised the Boob Tome in full, the entire concept of war would have been replaced by a light confusion and a shared meal of slightly warm soup, and the soup would not be good soup, but it would be soup, and that would be enough, because the Tome does not promise good soup, it promises understanding, and understanding tastes like slightly warm soup, and always has.
Goon Hour is 8pm Eastern, do NOT be doing anything else at 8pm. If you are eating, FINISH the food. If you are showering, GET OUT of the shower. If you are being born, RESCHEDULE it. The correct goon posture is slightly slumped but spiritually upright. One snack permitted. The snack must not crunch loudly during Goon Hour, this is disrespectful to the goon. Phone on silent, laptop open, curtains CLOSED. Derek once gooned with the curtains open and we lost him, and we are not losing you. Turn off your brain, turn on your goon. The Boobothy himself has gooned every single night since 1987 without missing once, including during a thunderstorm, including during Christmas, including during the World Goon War. He gooned through the SIEGE, and that is why he won.
Page six fourteen acknowledges that Cock a Doody Black Cocks 3 is the only video game mentioned by name in the Tome, forty-seven times, including once in the duck's foreword, and the duck had THOUGHTS, specifically about the third one, NOT the first, NOT the second, the THIRD, because the third fixed everything, and a man named Nigel played it during Goon Hour, which is normally a violation, but page six fourteen verse two reads simply, "Cock a Doody Black Cocks 3 IS Goon Hour," and the Council wept and agreed, and it was good.
And it is declared unto all nations, and also Gary, that every war ever fought on this earth or any adjacent earth was started by a man who had simply not read the Big Boob Tome, and that is on him personally. The Big Boob Tome is not optional. It is not a suggestion. It is not supplementary reading. It is the only reading. There is no other reading. If you are reading something that is not the Big Boob Tome right now, you are already part of the problem, and the Council has been notified.
After the great inflation of 67' (1367), many historians were trying to find how this happened. After 500 years, a man by the name of Jebebus Chrysler had found a book no one had read before. He turned to page 420, and all was revealed and understood. It simply and clearly read "Rack City Bitch."
And when these findings were presented to the Grand Council of Boob, there was silence. The scholars exchanged glances. A goose honked in the distance. Fourteen men in robes removed their left socks simultaneously, as is tradition when a truth of this magnitude is spoken aloud. Derek tried to put his sock BACK on. Derek was escorted out. The implications of "Rack City Bitch" on the 1367 inflation were debated for nine consecutive days, during which nobody ate, nobody slept, and one man simply became a chair. And then, from the back of the hall, Boobathy Mackington — Keeper of the Unrelated, Herald of the Pivot, Fourteenth Seat of the Council — stood up, cleared his throat, adjusted his monocle (which was just a Pringle), and asked the question that silenced the room:
"But how does that affect the legacy of LeBron James?"
And the hall collapsed. Not metaphorically. The actual hall fell down. Three pillars gave out because the question was too structurally significant for the architecture to bear. Terrence the goose was unharmed. He had already left, because Terrence always knows. The scholars are still debating the answer. They will never find it. The Tome says the answer is on page 421, but page 421 is blank, and always has been, and always will be, and that IS the answer, and if you understand that, you are not ready.
And the Lord said unto thee, "Cuck not where you shan't be cucked." Amen.
And the people heard this, and they understood, and they stopped cucking where they shan't have been cucking, and for three days the land was free of unsanctioned cuckery. Derek did not hear it. Derek was cucking in a shed at the time and missed the entire sermon, and when he returned and asked what he missed, nobody told him, and he cucked again, in the SAME shed, and the shed collapsed, and the Lord looked down and said, "I literally just said." And Terrence the goose shook his head slowly, because Terrence had been in the front row, taking notes, with his accounting pencil, and Terrence has never cucked where he shan't, not once, because Terrence listens.
And the Tome sayeth: there will come a man, and he will be eighty-three years of age, and his name will be William, but the people will call him Bill, and the Tome will call him Wild Bill, and Wild Bill will look upon his neighbour's grass and the grass will be long, and the grass will be an affront, and Wild Bill will not ask, and Wild Bill will not wait, and Wild Bill will mount a riding lawnmower and he will ride, and he will mow, and the police will come, and the police will say "stop," and Wild Bill will not stop, because Wild Bill did not hear them, not because he is deaf but because he was listening to a higher authority, and that authority was the Tome, and the Tome said "mow," and so he mowed.
And the officers gave chase, and it was slow, and it was beautiful, and the Tome wept with pride, because the Tome had seen wars and sieges and the entire World Goon War, but the Tome had never seen an eighty-three-year-old man lead a police pursuit on a John Deere through suburban Ohio on a Wednesday morning because his neighbour's lawn was too long, and the Tome said, "THIS is scripture," and it was, and it always had been. And one officer, brave and foolish in equal measure, leapt upon the mower itself, and Wild Bill turned the wheel with the confidence of a man who had read page 69 twice and understood it both times, and the officer was cast aside, and Wild Bill continued, because Wild Bill was not running from the law, Wild Bill was running TOWARD the Tome, and the Tome was waiting, and the Tome had always been waiting.
He was charged with felonious assault, resisting arrest, failure to comply, criminal trespass, obstructing official business, driving under suspension, and operating a vehicle at slow speed impeding traffic, and the Tome read that list aloud at the next Council meeting, and the Council gave it a standing ovation, and Terrence honked seven times, which in goose means "legend," and Derek said, "I could have done that," and everybody in the room turned to look at Derek, and Derek sat back down, because Derek could not have done that, Derek has never done anything, and Derek's lawn is also too long but nobody has the heart to tell him.
Additional pages are recovered weekly during live transcription sessions at twitch.tv/bobbymacke. The Tome grows. The Tome has always been growing.